Dating Over 50: When To First Kiss

Written by: Susan Barrett

First kisses can be exciting and thrilling, bringing with them a tingling anticipation and a breathlessness that speaks of future intimate liaisons.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous” - Ingrid Bergman However, whilst a first kiss can express passion and desire, it can also be much more innocent, simplymeaning that 'I like you and want to get to know you better'; it can even be a quick peck that feels perfunctory, lacking interest, desire or enthusiasm.

On the first date, a lacklustre kiss can be devastating, making us feel that the other person is only responding out of habit or doesn’t want to hurt our feelings.

When you've been around the block like most of us in the over 50s age group, we believe that nothing will faze us ever again, so why should an awkward kiss make any difference to us? We may have a great career, own one or more properties, have raised a gaggle of children, lived independently for a few years and ticked allthe boxeson our bucket list over the past thirty or more years.

In essence, we are not the same person we were in our 20s and 30s, instead we are world-wise; we know what we want and we don't suffer fools gladly. Re-entering the dating world at our age should be a doddle - we have breezed through life's ups and downs, so why should dating be any different? How hard can it be?

Even better, the days when good girls didn't kiss on the first date are long gone and with the richness of life's experiences under our belt, we can do exactly what we want, when we want!

The reality of mature dating however, can be quite different - since we are no longer in our twenties anymore, how do we handle the awkward first date kiss or even no kiss at all? Do we really have enough experience to navigate the world of mature dating and thestress of the first kiss?

What does the first kiss really mean?

"When we renter the dating world at a mature age, the whole idea of kissing on the first date can be both exciting and intimidating, particularly if it's the first time we have met each other in person."

Just because we now have the confidence and the freedom to do what we want, doesn't mean that we should automatically take the horse by the reigns and go full tilt. For many of us, caution is the best strategy, because none of us want to make a big mistake at this stage in our lives. Why rush headlong into a relationship, when it might be best to be sure of our footing first?

This is particularly relevant when we are dating later in life, because research has indicated that women are far more affected by a first kiss than men, finding that it's more likely to influence their level of attraction to a man, than vice versa (1).

The research doesn't stop there, because Gordon Gallup, an evolutionary psychologist in the US found that nearly 60% of men and nearly 70% of women have ended a new relationship because of a bad kiss, not necessarily because it was 'bad', but because it didn't feel right (2). He also found that women use kissing to assess prospective mates as a long-term partner, whilst men more often use kissing to initiate sexual favours.

From the plethora of research on the topic of kissing and relationships, it's clear that a good kiss doesn’t necessarily mean a successful long-term relationship, but a bad kiss can definitely end one before it starts (3).

We all know that a good first kiss can be the start of a fabulous relationship, but does that mean we should toss away all the bad first date kissers?

When can a bad first kiss be really good?

Even though women tend to use kissing to assess a prospective partner and men tend to use it as a prelude to sexual intimacy, kissing on the first date definitely sends a clear signal to each other. When we lean in for that first kiss, we both know a lot more about one another than we did at the beginning of the date and we also know if the first kiss feels 'right'.

So should a good kiss seal the dealand a bad kiss set us off running in the opposite direction? Should a bad kiss give us one more reason to say 'thanks, but no thanks'? After all, kissing on the first date might be worth the trouble if it prevents us from wasting our time dating someone that doesn't feel right to us, allowing us to move on to a better prospect.

Of course, this also begs another question - why should we put so much weight and pressure on the first kiss anyway? Dating over 50 can be about love but also companionship, should we really walk away just because the first kiss lacked a certain amount of chemistry?

Susan Winter, a well-known relationship expert says that a first kiss can help us to gauge the interest of the other person and decide if there is any real potential for romance (4). Instead of ending a relationship before it starts however, Winter suggests that a bad kiss can actually be a better indicator of romance than a great kiss!

That's because good kissers who are full of confidence can actually be serial daters or 'players' who are practiced at making a good first impression. On the other hand, Winter says that a date who doesn't sweep you off your feet with a fabulous first kiss can often be a much better prospect. An awkward first kiss can actually mean that they are nervous and are trying very hard to make a good impression, not wanting to 'mess up' and lose the opportunity of a second date.

When we really think about it, if a first date kiss goes wrong, isn’t it a good opportunity to laugh it off and see how our date reacts? Compared to a good solid kiss, their reaction to a messed-up kiss can tell us a lot about their personality and the prospects of any future romance between us, unless of course, the first kiss curls our toes, then all bets are off!

Is the first kiss really important?

I am sure that we can all agree that kissing should be special, but it seems a bit harsh to disregard someone simply because of their poor kissing skills. Walking away from someone we have found interesting and who makes us feel comfortable, just because a goodnight kiss doesn't live up to our expectations, might be like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Maybe it's time to chill out and give each other a chance to relax and learn more about one another. After all, we are not teenagers anymore and there are lots of ways we can decide whether someone will make a great partner for us, apart from their kissing skills. Maybe they were just overwhelmed or worried about offending us and if we give them more time to relax, their kisses might become golden!

In fact, it might be best to not even think of it as dating at all and instead, just spend time making new friends online, going out to dinner, taking in the latest movie or learning a new hobby together. Essentially, we need to release the pressure and focus on having a good time together, letting everything happen naturally, rather than worrying about a first kiss (5).

What if there is no first date kiss?

When you think about it, worrying about our first kiss seems like a fool's errand, because at the end of the date, kiss or no kiss, we always know if we want a second date don't we?

Not kissing on the first date isn't a disaster and doesn't mean that our date isn't attracted to us. It could simply mean that they are shy and have a fear of rejection orthey may not want to seem overly 'pushy', or are being cautious and want to take it slow themselves.

You might be surprised to learn that kissing on the first datecan actually jeopardise any potential romance. For example, a few years ago, on an episode of the Today show, Ian Kerner, a relationship expert, said that postponing the first kiss can be a way of showing that you are taking your date seriously with a view to the long-term, and as mentioned earlier, you don't want to 'mess it up' by moving in for a kiss too soon (6).

Kissing on the first date can also send the wrong signals as well, particularly if we decide at the end of the first date that a second liaison isn't really on the cards (7). Why kiss if we really aren't sure whether we want to pursue a relationship with this person?

A case could be made for both view points, but at our age, who wants to split hairs? With so much conflicting advice available online, why don't we just take the focus off the first kiss and instead, just enjoy ourselves and have some fun (8)?

If kissing on the first date bends us all out of shape, then forget about it and let everything happen naturally; just revel in enjoying each other's company and havinga good time. Let's get out of our heads and date from our hearts.

This way, when the first kiss does happen, it will be all the more enjoyable because we are no longer kissing a stranger, but a friend who adds value to our day.

Sources

1.https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0190-1
2.https://news.utexas.edu/2011/02/07/a-kiss-is-not-just-a-kiss
3.http://www.abc.net.au/news/2007-09-04/women-judge-men-on-first-kiss-study-finds/659750
4.http://www.susanwinter.net/kissing-first-date-means-according-expert-elite-daily-feature/
5.https://www.datingsiteforseniors.com/dating-over-50-when-to-kiss/
6.https://www.glamour.com/story/to-kiss-or-not-to-kiss-on-the
7.https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a4019/first-date-kiss-100427/
8.https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-copeland/dating-tips-for-women-over-50_b_10722978.html